I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
