My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
