i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
