my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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