i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
