i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
