Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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