You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Text me some of your sweat
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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