Taylor Swift is so right about you.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
