I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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