The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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