My balls are so social today.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
