Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
