what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My cat gives me a boner
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
