I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
