I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
