Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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