the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
