What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
