i don't like sucking hair
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
