fuck your aforementioned shoe
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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