I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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