When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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