we have officially lost it.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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