Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
