I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
