i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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