We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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