I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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