is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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