I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
