you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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