If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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