u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
