it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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