I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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