yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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