a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
