I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
