So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
