I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
