My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
