i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This is classic penis vs brain.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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