This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
