O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
