Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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