...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
