i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
