Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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