I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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